I get it. Because a toddler would be in a suit, so concerned with not getting carded that he would be up there… If he didn’t know the question. So why don’t you leave me alone? What a day that’ll be.” My mother-in-law liked me too much. You start picturing things. I just eventually lost the weight. “Oh, I’m sure they just came in from the outside. Take that off. Start now.” Now, she would say things to me… I never met my grandpa Freddie. I don’t want a new one suddenly. Who knows? I already had a mother. And I cannot relax enough… to masturbate. She would say, “I don’t think he was such a great man all the time.” I think he was cheating on me. He was very hungry. You put your seat belt on and start the car and… drive to work. He gets to come in here and take it? I don’t care how late it is. Hi. I like pizza, I definitely have pizza. – We weren’t laughing. You don’t have to get up until 7:30 a.m.? Other things I love I make part of my life. I think that’s what she wanted to wear that day. So… Speaks English. How would that ever happen? – Just come and be around family. – She’s Mommy’s friend from… – We went to college together. No, it’s about me. I didn’t know it wouldn’t work. OK. Now you’re awake. Presents! Then people will be like, “You’re not supposed to drive a car into a person.” Then the person driving will be like, “I didn’t know.” “Well, we used to not have to tell people not to drive cars into people.” “Well, OK, you should say something.” So it’s gonna keep getting like that. “If a cop pulls me over, I’m going to get a ticket. I made a decision.” Like, that didn’t happen. This would be just… “Doves will fly. Then you go to the next house and you’re like, “Oh, my God,” and it’s dark and there’s no more grass, just dirt and one weird weed that doesn’t make sense. – Oh, hey! They always tell you, “Date men that love their mothers.” No. I had nothing to do with it. If I’m at an airport, you know I have just taken a Klonopin and bought an Us Weekly. She’s the only woman who ever fed him. Please stop. ‘Cause I could be their mother, too. Your weight doesn’t want anything to do with you either. My friend is reading a lot of self-help books about how to raise a good kid. It’s not like, “Oh, my God. Thank you, North Door. It’s true. All these women writing stuff on his wall that I don’t understand what it means. “I don’t want those plates anymore. So he should come over to my newly single bachelorette cougar pad. Ugh! They can’t see the crops. Please.” We didn’t live in the same city. No, no, no, no. And it’s laying off all non-essential employees. And I have to say, I am so embarrassed about the type of bride I was. And that’s why they had to send Demi Moore to jail, ’cause she lost it. If you guys keep dating 20-year-old women, then I have to date your sons. And now it’s my job to say something at an airport and I don’t care. I’m not seeing anything. But the point is, I don’t have to worry about it. I… I have one fantasy that I’ve allowed myself, even though it isn’t based in reality. So are you seeing anyone? If it was colonial times, I’d be like a god or something. Now I have to be friends with people who are having children. She never really lived to see me do stand-up. It’s fine.” So I say yes. It was like a party.” No. Hey. Oh, my God. It’s not the same as single horniness. I knew people in their 20s that have wrinkles. I know I sound stupid. What’s a soul? I don’t know you. I don’t have food in my house because I travel a lot. I'm not a hack. I’m laying down. Like, that’s how I need it… I need it to be put in those kind of terms for me. I wish I could call and go, “I saw something.” I saw a lady with her kid on a leash.” “Ma’am, that’s not what this number is for.” “OK! Maybe he’s trying to make up for all the men having all the rights for so long. Because I’m not interested in children. My body is like… I’m like, “Come on, body, we can make it one more night. That house doesn’t even make candy anymore. Jen Kirkman, who has been performing since the late 1990s, in her debut special on Netflix, “I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine).” When … It’s like a garden hose out of control, like… When women masturbate, it’s cute. Get another man, get a best friend or just be OK with living alone. I’m not a political comic or anything like that, but I think about certain things like climate change. And she’s great. It turns out his car didn’t really break down. Not in her bed. Now… I don’t think I’d be a great parent. And I forgot about when you’re young and don’t have any body fat that you have to eat right away. We have snack-nut bowls.” They’re like, “We were gonna try to get laid.” You’re like, “Oh, my God!” Suddenly go, “That’s disgusting. I just wanted to say I really liked your bit about the young musician. Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) 2015 | 16+ | 1h 18m | Stand-Up Comedy. He’s this big. He just slumps over. She made it that old. Grandpa had an unsatisfying penis. You think we can cash that thing out?” “Looks great, guys.” But they never thought to go, “What’s the yellow one?” What’s the green one? Get over yourselves.” You don’t want to go. Yeah, this is my boyfriend. So, everybody, crateandbarrel.com, please. Oh. That’s expensive.” I had plans that weekend. That sounds awful.” I don’t even want to come home to my mail. Why wouldn’t they be for me if I love them? – Oh, I can’t. This is wonderful.” This is just like yesterday.” “What about your hopes and dreams, Jen?” “The tap-dancing children are wonderful.” But not my nana. So I start making promises to myself. My parents could have done better. – Thank you. I’m like, “Oh, wonderful! They call for help. What does he know? Get whatever you can get. Start over, Jen. Normal guy. I know. But my friend is taking a class called “How to keep your toddler empowered.” I’m like, “I don’t think that group needs empowering.” I’ve seen them. And this is real and I know it’s just one person, but I feel like there’s probably a lot of people like this guy out there and it makes me nervous. So I went out to see a band play, which is something I never did when I was married. And I feel like we shouldn’t be so free with admitting that to each other when we’re in relationships. I mean, Jen Kirkman does that, but she does it with a purpose beyond cheap entertainment extracted from the simple contrast. Netflix Original Comedy-Special von Jen Kirkman mit vielen cleveren und witzigen Einsichten über Scheidung, Kinder, Sex und das Leben ab 40. Mr. Mittens and Cindy, it’s no different than human love. I might put rose petals in it. Fall asleep I really liked your bit about the young house Ding-dong often. Not liking each other, we fuck all the time ” in this Netflix original special... 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